Parental Ponderings:
Inquiry Research & Digital Essay Sample
by Thor Smith*
A Personal Question:
An Introduction
In 2014, I added another common, but monumental life moment to my timeline--I became a Mom. In 2016, I became Mom again. Below are my children, now ages 3 and 4, and the significance of their lives on my own has shaped a recurring question on my mind almost every single day. That question--albeit so short and simple, but so colossally difficult to answer--is: What makes a good parent?
|
"What makes a good parent?" |
Literary Models, or Lack Thereof...
An inspiration
The great debate of parenting has been blinking on my radar even more so since I began teaching A Doll House, by Henrik Ibsen. The play, although it is hard to admit, parallels some of my own world. I can relate to the married couple--their banter, their life and home, their concerns over work and even wealth. Themes of identity, relationships, gender and equality appear to be the driving discussions of the play; however, it is Nora’s role as a mother that provides an even more intriguing debate. So many of my students are appalled when Nora “picks up her bag” (1154) and makes the decision to “leave them [her children] in better hands” (1153). She abandons them because she must leave her marriage and doll-like identity in Torvald’s household in order to thrive--it truly is the focus on the play and Ibsen’s strongest message. However, that maternal abandonment angers many of my student readers. |
"Nearly all young criminals have had mothers who lied" --Torvald, from A Doll House, Act 1 Nora’s role as a mother at the start of the play is also frustrating. She seems to have frivolous concerns when it comes to her role as a parent; she is focused on the materialistic goodies she has bought her children for Christmas; the “new clothes, sword, horse, trumpet, doll and a little bed” (1094) clutter the scene alongside the opening descriptions of the knick-knack-filled living room of the Helmer's household (1092). The rest of her time is spend socializing, or the drama she has created with Krogstadt--you barely ever see or hear her children. When you look as Nora, especially as a mother, she seems to fails miserably.
|
But, is she a bad parent? I don’t think so.
And the research might agree…
And the research might agree…
The Parenting Tetra:
The Research
The debate of “what makes a good parent” is nothing new, and the idea of what makes a great parent seem to weight heavily on many minds. It is no surprise to see it discussed in literature, but it is intriguing to consider how much research--and rather how much conflicting research--is out there. According to Robert Epstein’s article, “What makes a Good Parent?”, there are “more than 16,000” dieting books on Amazon.com, but “there are some 40,000” copies of parenting advice works. There is a lot to read and to sift through, especially with parent shaming and social media debates; all that research feels daunting.
Even with all of these research materials out in the world, there does seem to be a commonality of ideas for successful parents: a perfect four, if you will. Epstein’s research looks at this question with a scientific lens, but his observations are also validated in a Parents magazine article entitled, “What makes a Great Parent?” (cited as "What Makes"). However, it is the perspectives of kids themselves that brings all the research together into the the parenting tetra. The graphic below helps illustrate the parenting tetra and four crucial traits.
My Grand Conclusion & Findings...
Ultimately, here are my grand conclusions and findings on "what makes a good parent," and it the best parents will have all four of these traits...
1. Love & Affection
|
When it comes to the different aspects of parenting, without a doubt, it is love and affection. Research argues that “the best thing we can do for our children is to give them lots of love and affection” (Epstein) and “we also show our love by understanding what are children need at each stage of life--and providing for them” (“What Makes”). The kids that participated in my research also supported this, either with written words, or with the visuals as you will see to the left. Consider the slideshow, and the range of ages, the youngest child (Rorie, age 3) mentioned “hugs and snuggles, and giving hugs and kisses” when it comes to a “good mommy;” Sawyer, age 6, also noted "hugs."
Even the oldest members in the group (Mason & Sam, age 14) mention how good parents will “give you food, clothes, and a place to live” and are described with adjectives such as “caring, loving” and they will make “you feel safe." Even Amy, age 9, noted "kind and friendly," and that good parents, "care about you." Without a doubt love is crucial to being a good parent--all of the children surveyed agreed in their own special way |
2. Time, Fun, and Autonomy
The next traits affirmed by numerous sources is the fact good parents are all about “giving the children attention” (Mason & Sam. ages 14), and time, and that ranges from simple things like playing with the child and their toys, to the bigger autonomous moments of life like “push[ing] you [the child] in life/education.” Children need to be “encouraged...to do things for themselves” (“What Makes”) because those moments of learning can be fun, or powerful in shaping life experiences and identity.
But don’t forget the fun! Consider Sophia’s (age 6) picture below, where her mother is depicted as a Mermaid--it is silly, but clearly shows fun and imagination, or Ruty’s (age 4) idea that, we, as his parents play with him and his toys. Those moments of impish play are equally powerful for kids, especially the younger ages, and show that aspects of time, play and fun, as well as independence and parental support, are key.
But don’t forget the fun! Consider Sophia’s (age 6) picture below, where her mother is depicted as a Mermaid--it is silly, but clearly shows fun and imagination, or Ruty’s (age 4) idea that, we, as his parents play with him and his toys. Those moments of impish play are equally powerful for kids, especially the younger ages, and show that aspects of time, play and fun, as well as independence and parental support, are key.
3. Stress Management & Relationship Modeling
The last two traits seem to go together in many ways, but were probably the most surprising and easily overlooked aspects of a “good parent”--that is stress and relationship management. These things seem more adult, and less impactful on kids, but they can be more direct than one realizes. Research reveals that “the maintaining a good relationship with the other parent {or other adults, it doesn't have to be traditional parenting roles} and managing your own stress level” (Epstein) are huge factors for healthy children. This is because children see and feed of the energy around them, whether it is good or bad.
Relationships--and how you model good, strong, and positive relationships-- are very important, and several of the children surveyed noted this as well. Ruty (age 4) illustrated Mom and Dad next to each other, and playing with him and his sister. When kids see parents, or figures in their home having healthy relationships and managing stress well, they too will be happier.
The "Good Parenting Test"
A Return to Literature and Grand Conclusion
So back to the literary question--is Nora a bad parent?
Nora has issues of character, but when you look closely at who she is as the mother-figure, she does shows some moments of a “good parenting” that is overshadow or even overlooked in the grand scheme of the play. Consider the tetra traits. Does Nora show love and affection? Yes, she does. In Act One (1108), there is a key scene where Nora plays and shows love and affection to her kids as she chases them around in a game. The scene also illustrates her spending time, and having fun--”laughing and the play [ing] goes on” (1108). So far, so good; she has meet 2 of the 4 criteria rather well.
However, the idea of her stress management and relationship modeling is where things go awry. BUT, it could also justify her actions of abandonment that horrify at the end of the play. Nora doesn’t handle stress well during the story, nor is she is a healthy relationship that should be modeled for her children. It is this realization--the great Epiphany in Act 3-- that leads her to leave the household, her marriage, and her children. It is harsh, but perhaps a choice that shows she had a key moments of good parenting at heart.
Nora has issues of character, but when you look closely at who she is as the mother-figure, she does shows some moments of a “good parenting” that is overshadow or even overlooked in the grand scheme of the play. Consider the tetra traits. Does Nora show love and affection? Yes, she does. In Act One (1108), there is a key scene where Nora plays and shows love and affection to her kids as she chases them around in a game. The scene also illustrates her spending time, and having fun--”laughing and the play [ing] goes on” (1108). So far, so good; she has meet 2 of the 4 criteria rather well.
However, the idea of her stress management and relationship modeling is where things go awry. BUT, it could also justify her actions of abandonment that horrify at the end of the play. Nora doesn’t handle stress well during the story, nor is she is a healthy relationship that should be modeled for her children. It is this realization--the great Epiphany in Act 3-- that leads her to leave the household, her marriage, and her children. It is harsh, but perhaps a choice that shows she had a key moments of good parenting at heart.